Story Telling Unit-Steve Coombs Script Feedback

I found my one on one session with Steve Coombs very insightful. Steve had read my first draft and gave me some constructive feedback with how it could be better improved. Steve broke my feedback up into 3 sections:

  1. Story and Structure
  2. Action and Dialogue
  3. Formatting and Layout

Steve said there was plenty to be admired with my script, and in particular the bold use of scenes that told the story visually. He said I put enough trust in the camera to tell some genuinely touching visual moments. However, with all this being said there wasn't enough spies in the script. Devises like the phone call to the Alzheimer's Society were too obvious and blunt. 
Another fault with the story was the final 3-4 scenes; although they captured emotion, they needed to craft in more surprise and tension around the preceding scenes. This is when we came up with the idea of George taking William back to the care home. There is more development here, and I feel George would know William well enough to realise he isn't mentally stable. I needed to therefore make the fact that he has dementia less obvious at the start, which made us think of William putting on his vicar attire at the start rather than mixed up clothes. He doesn't seem like an ordinary old man then, he seems like an ordinary vicar. This will surprise the audience when they find out he is no longer a vicar. When the meeting of George and William happens, I had it so George didn't recognise him at first, with Steve said created more problems than it saved; George would recognise him straight away realistically. 
In terms of action, it moves quickly, confidently and visually. And at times in the second half more 'moments' develop. Some of the actions needed changing at times. Sometimes Williams dialogue captures his character well but at other times its too generic. George also needs to find a voice; I've always pictured him as this rational character, who knows William and knows the illness; possibly has had relations suffer dementia himself. He would therefore agree with what William has to say, 
even if it doesn't make sense.  
The formatting and layout was good but again, could've been improved. Every scene needs a proper heading. I hadn't mastered parentheses. I also needed to focus more on what the camera could actually. 
All of this feedback was useful, and I will bare it all in mind when re-drafting my script. 

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